Wedding Season Blues!

I was to attend a wedding on Saturday- yesterday. Unfortunately, something came up last minute and I had to cancel my attendance quite last minute! I was really quite upset with it, as it would have been a great occassion to catch up with my old university girlfriends. Also, I hate last minute cancellations- I felt rude even though it was beyond my control. However, looking at it today- and recalling how horribly hot and humid it was yesterday- I honestly don't know what I would have worn! It was a horrible 32 degrees celcius yesterday with a humidity of 95%!!! It was an outdoor wedding set along a quiet private lakefront property. I'm sure it was quite beautiful, aside from the mosquitos and blackflies. Although, being crammed into a stuffy old church (which most churches in this area are) wouldn't be all that much better! An awful thing to say? I am sure it's easy to judge when you're not 100 pounds overweight! One of the awful realities of being obese.

I really do dread wedding season. I have 2 more weddings this year. The next one is in August, and it is an old and dear friend of mine from high school and university. I am really looking forward to her wedding. He's supposed to be quite a nice guy (and English gent), whom she met while working in England. I'm really very happy for her. She's a wonderful person and friend, and I am quite excited to see her as it's been some time since we've been in touch with all the relocating we've done. When she contacted me to let me know she was moving back from England to the city I was living in, I was unfortunately moving back home.

What I hate to say, however, is that while I am thrilled for the wedding and getting to see her and meet her fiance, I am horrified at seeing her at the size I am. It's actually all that I can think about. It's really quite embaressing and degrading how one can feel about themselves. And what is worse is that I've known the wedding has been coming for quite some time, but I've done nothing to lose any weight. What's that about? It happens all the time to me. It's almost like I do everything to sabotage myself from losing any weight! Am I alone in this? I think it's all mental.

Anyway, I have nothing to wear. Plus size clothing is IMPOSSIBLE to find in my area!!! We have 2 stores who carry Plus Size Clothing. The first is Penningtons- which unless you are shaped like a giant shapeless box- which is horrible! The second is Reitmans- which is not great either because all their clothes are the same every season and they don't carry anything shaped for plus size people or any dresses for weddings. If skinny bitches only knew what us fat chicks had to endure when it came to shopping. I would love a Macy's or Nordstrom or JC Penny (all in the States which is no good for us Nova Scotia chicks). Although I've looked online but most of the nice plus size clothing sites clothes are very expensive and have not so great return policies. Uggggh! Plus size clothing (or lack of it) could be an entire blog for me! So frustrating!

Anyway, I will try to keep in mind that noone will be looking at me anyway, as Linds will be a gorgeous bride! And if anyone has any info on plus size clothing sites PLEASE feel free to let me know! I could use some advice on this!

I'm Back!

So the past few days have been pretty crazy. We've had no phone service for 5 days now. My internet has been finicky- which explains why I haven't been able to post. I am hoping this will actually post, as the internet has been dial-up slow these past few days.

Anyway, I am starting a new job tomorrow for the summer. I'll be working with an agency that helps mentally and intellectually disabled individuals' develop job and social skills. I will be doing research for the agency, and am a little nervous about my first day! It should be an interesting and challenging job, and I'm very much looking forward to it! Most of all I am looking forward to getting back into a routine. I haven't been working since exams finished in April- economy is not good for students looking for work- and I've subsequently been finding it difficult eating well and exercising. So hopefully this routine will help with that.

This has been the first day in 14 days that we haven't had rain! Praise the Lord! They're calling for nice weather throughout the week, so I will be starting my walking tomorrow. My goal for the next 4 weeks is to lose 8-10 pounds. Walking has been successful for me in the past, so I am hoping for the same results this time around.

I've also been cooking with some really delicious recipes, and I will be posting them on my PHAT Chick Recipe blog (http://www.phatchickrecipes.blogspot.com). I think you will all enjoy them!

Anyway, glad to be back online! Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!

It's Still Raining

So I don't have too much to write about today. It is raining for the 10th day in a row- if you can believe that! We were having such a great start to the summer, so this is really disappointing. I didn't do too much today, and I don't start work until the 6th (next Monday). I watched a bit of the ladies tennis today (Serena Williams versus Victoria Azarenka). I'm telling you one thing, I think that Azarenka is my new ladies favorite since Stefi Graf (I'm a huge Graf fan). I love tennis! It's a great sport, and an excellent way to get great thighs, legs and arms- wish I hadn't stopped playing on a regular basis!



Anyway, my eating went great today. I've been finding the snacking between meals very helpful- believe it or not! Not with cookies or chips, but with fruit and protein. I'll have grapes and a serving of low fat cheese (I really enjoy the Cracker Barrell Low Fat Cheddar because it comes in a serving size). I've also come to enjoy apples with peanut butter. I really have to work on getting my water in. Oh, and I tried a really great recipe for pork chops I came accross on Recipe Zaar? You can check it out on my recipe blog:



Http://www.phatchickrecipes.blogspot.com

That's all for now. Pray that this rain stops sometime soon- especially tomorrow with it being Canada Day!

Today is a New Day

I am happy to report that I am feeling much better today than I was the past few days. I've been feeling completely emotionally drained these past few days. I don't know if it was hormones, the crappy weather (it's been raining for 9 days straight now), or the fact that I am making (or trying to make) some major changes in my life. Whatever it is, I've been eating nothing but crap, and as a result that is how I have been feeling- until today!

So I will say that I have not yet joined the gym (I've come to realize I am broke), but I have been trying to be active. I've discovered that mowing the lawn is a great way to get some exercise (although the rain isn't helping all that much). I've also been trying to get extra steps in by parking a bit farther from my destinations so I can get a little extra walk in. Not quite the cardio I was used to at the gym, but it's a start. Also, I've managed to get back into a sensible eating routine. Had a great day today, making sure I was getting my dairy, whole grains, and fruits/veggies. I love the Kraft Canada website as there are tons of really quick, easy to make, and delicious recipes on there. I'm also a huge fan of the Weight Watchers online site.

I think what I was doing was trying to make too many changes all at once. Therefore, I am going to make it my goal to devote this week entirely to changing my eating habits. I have come to find that measuring my portion sizes is key. I really do enjoy food that is healthy for me, but it's all about keeping my portion sizes under control. And of course, I also enjoy good food that is bad for me! So I will give myself one day every week to have a treat. That way I won't feel deprived, or else this just won't work! Then next week, after I've gradually adjusted to my new eating routine, I will incorporate walking into my day. I really enjoy walking, and it's been a successful way for me to drop the pounds in the past. It's also an affordable alternative to the gym- all I need is me and my iPod.

Well folks, that is how things have been for me. I want to thank the Weight Watchers online members, and people who have been reading my blog, for your messages of support. Your encouragement is what is keeping me going!

My Relationship With Food

Yesterday was not such a great day, and today is much worse! It wasn't until I created this blog that I realized just how personal my obesity problem is. While there is no hiding the flesh of its existance, the emotional component behind it is another issue! I am fully prepared to deal with the physical exhaustion it will take to lose 120 pounds; however, I do not know how to prepare for the mental exhaustion.

It's really quite astounding how someone can manipulate their mind when it comes to making a decision that they know is ultimately bad for them. I'm sure it must feel like this for an alcoholic or a drug user. You know that it's wrong! That it will adversely affect family and friends! That you will feel miserable physically and emotionally afterwards! And finally, you know that one day, after abusing it for long enough, it will kill you!

I started abusing food my senior year of high school. I can even recall the first night that I started. Bizarre? I think that's bizarre. I remember it because I was in an unhealthy relationship at the time, and had no self-esteem whatsoever! So one night, when things weren't so great, I went to the store and ate almost an entire bag of tortilla chips with cheese! Disgusting isn't it! Wow! That is the first time I ever admitted that to anyone. I didn't gain a lot of weight at the time, but enough that I wish I hadn't come prom time. What I wish I had realized then was that the weight I needed to lose was the loser I was dating! Anyway, as life continued to deal difficult hands, that became my way of dealing with problems. It was easier to turn to food than to confront my problems. Food didn't judge me, and it was always there when I needed it. Then it became a cycle. The more I weighed, the worse I felt about myself- where I would then turn to food for comfort.

In order for me to lose weight, I will need to develop a new relationship with food. It will be difficult. There will be days where I will fail (i.e. yesterday and today- see food journal). But I am determined to succeed. I will not let food take over my life any longer!

Honesty is Always the Best Policy

The most important component in any relationship- in my opinion- is honesty! And if you can't be honest with yourself, who else can you be honest with? I've spent years lying to myself about my weight problem. I mean seriously- do you think I honestly believed that a closet filled with black shirts and slacks was going to hide the extra 120 pounds I've been carrying around? No! But it's easy when all you have to do is lie to yourself.

I decided to create this blog as an avenue for me to be accountable to myself for the choices that I make. That being said...I have something to confess. As mentioned in yesterday's posting, today was the first official day of my new healthy lifestyle. I promised to join the gym today so that I could start doing my cardio exercise. Well, I did not make it to the gym.

It all started with a phone call from my cousin- who I hadn't seen in 17 years- announcing that he and his wife would be stopping by for a visit, while they were here on vacation. Of course, as the story goes, company always stops by when the house is awry! So I had spent much of today getting the house tidy.

This is where confession number 2 comes in. After planning on making lasagna for supper, we found out that my cousin's wife is lactose intolerant and would not be able to eat the cheese. Therefore, to make things easier, we made reservations at a local restaurant for supper. Not only did I not make it to the gym today, I also ordered fish and chips AND a slice of cheesecake for dessert. In my defense, however, I did split the cheesecake with my mother!

Needless to say, this is not what I had envisioned for my first day. Nor do I expect this to be the only day where I faulter on my journey. However, I will not beat myself up for this. Rather, I will take pride in the small accomplishments I made today. That is, I made the choice to split a slice of cheesecake instead of eating an entire slice for msyelf. Also, while I was not able to make it to the gym, I did manage to take 30 minutes out of the day to mow the front lawn- which has to account for some cardio right?

Tomorrow is a new day, and I face it with the confidence in myself to make better choices!

Getting Started

The first step in battling any addiction is admitting to yourself- and to the world- you have a problem. That being said, I fully and freely take the first step in this incredible journey by admitting "I have an addiction to food." Not suprising though, really. I mean, how else does someone become 120 pounds overweight?

I won't get into the messy details that caused me to turn to food as an emotional crutch when times got tough. However, I will share with you the reasons for my wanting to finally lose all this weight, and how I plan on accomplishing this goal.

Reasons for wanting to lose weight:

• I want to look and feel better.
• I want to be able to walk up the stairs without feeling winded.
• I want to be able to play a full 3 sets of tennis again.
• I want to be able to sit comfortably in an airplane seat.
• I want to be able to approach people with confidence without worrying that they're thinking how fat and disgusting I look.
• I want to be able to shop at any store and wear regular sized clothing again.
• I want to be able to complete a 5k.
• I no longer want to be the "fat" sister.
• I want to be able to cross my legs.
• I never want to be the fat bridesmaid again!
• I want to have the confidence to date again.
• I want to reduce my risk of heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and cancer.
• I want to be the best me that I can possibly be!

My action plan:

• I will use the Canada's Food Guide to guide my food choices and choose appropriate servings sizes for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.
• I will use measuring cups, spoons, and scales to ensure that my portion sizes are reflective of the guidelines by the Canada's Food Guide.
• I will keep a food journal to keep track of any and all food and beverages I consume throughout the day ( http://www.phatchickfoodjournal.blogspot.com )
• I will attend a local gym and partake in at least 45 minutes of cardio exercise 5 times per week, and do weight-training at least 4 days per week.
• I will monitor my weight by weighing myself every Monday morning, and keep track of my measurements one time per month.